すみません、英語がわかりません。

Yesterday I pretended I was Russian, and thus unable to speak English, to avoid another wearisome conversation with someone desperate to do just that. These always go something like this:

[Friend talking - meaningful and interesting conversation, ]...so then after my Mum died, I was going through a hard time when I had this amazing dream -
- WHERE ARE YOU FROM?Japanese person, interrupting, extra loud so as there is no confusion.
- [muttering] England.
- sugoi! SUGOI! (which means "amazing" basically) Big excitement - like you've just told them you're from a nearby star-system... then DAVID BECKHAM! or if slightly older, BEATLES! BEATLES! This is like an English person shouting excitedly Kareoke! KAREOKE! upon someone telling them that they are from Japan.
- [Next question] How old are you? The single most important question in Japan.
- 23
- SUGOI! SUGOI! More excitement. Sometimes they turn to their friends, nodding excitedly, 23! 23! He said 23!

From here, the questions might move to Japanese food, Do you like nato? (not the military organization, but a type of fermented bean popular in Kyushyu.) Can you use chopsticks? Or it might be a job related question, Do you teach English? and when you reply yes, more Sugoi! Sugoi! which is like expressing surprise and excitement upon a priest replying that yes, he is indeed Catholic.

Of course it's a small inconvenience. You are probably the first native English speaker they've probably ever been close to, let alone talked to. It is the flip side to C-list celebrity status that every gaijin has, which brings him or her so many small kindnesses every day. It is a small inconvenience in an otherwise charmed life.

A more gracious person would realize all this. As for me, I'm going to pretend I'm Russian.